Even though there are literally thousands of movie and DVD review sites on the internet, there probably isn't a single one which gives any explanation of their ratings. We are all supposed to know what the ratings mean to the individual reviewer. We are also supposed to somehow know what the specific prejudices, likes and dislikes of each reviewer is. the fact is, most people who waste thheir time doing this stuff are men, and particularly men who are terrified of not looking tough, so sappy romances like The Notebook get unfairly trashed (that is, exept the wretched final 10 minutes, which richly deserves it) and macho crap like Saw gets raved about. Well, we are here to change that. We are going to tell you, going in, where we stand, what we are each predisposed for and against. That way, the two or three people who may actually read our reviews will have full understanding of how clueless we are.
I (John) will start with my own explanation and if I can ever convince Steve to get off his butt about it, he will do the same. Maybe some day our long lost friend, Patrick, will reappear as well. Where the hell are you, Patrick?
John's Likes & Dislikes
When it comes right down to it, I most enjoy good, subtlely effective drama and character studies. However, I despise dramas with excessive manipualation and/or calculation. So, I will always appreciate movies like Proof, no matter how commercially unsuccessful they are, and dislike movies like Crash no matter how critically acclaimed they are.
Aside from that, I tend to enjoy all genres fairly equally, with the exception of "slasher" movies. As far as I'm concerned, the best possible slasher movie is only slightly bearable and is not likely to do anything that hasn't already been done 100 times before, if not more. Horror is also not a favorite, simply because good horror movies are so incredibly rare. Typically, they are like the "slasher" sub-genre and just rehash the same awful stuff. When they are well done, they are great. It's just so rare that they are well done or even slightly original.
The Star Ratings
 5 Stars
These are the movies which leave me sitting with my jaw hanging, numb and amazed by what I have just seen. The world makes a little more sense and my head won't stop spinning. The interesting this is, in most cases there will be fewer people who enjoy a movie I give 5 stars than one I give 4 stars, but the ones who enjoy them are often as blown away as I am. I think the reason is that a 5 star movie tends to go beyond something that is merely well done. It has some remarkable power to it that some viewers won't see or share, and others seem to be threatened by. The most common criticism I hear of movies I give 5 stars is that they are "boring". Have some patience. Unfortunately, few people actually sit down and watch a movie and do nothing else anymore. Great work deserves and requires full attention.
 4 Stars
4 star movies often tend to have wider appeal than 5 star ones. They usually don't require as much work to appreciate, but that does not make them weak by any means. The truth is, 5 star movies almost always require more work to fully enjoy than most people are willing to invest. This is where the 4 star range can be the best place to land. A 4 star movie may be just as well made as a 5 star one, but just without as much significance.
 3 Stars
The majority of movies I see fall somewhere in the 3 star range. This is because there aren't that many 4-5 star movies and I generally tend to avoid ones I am pretty sure are truly bad. There are too many good movies to see to waste time on the latest bathroom humor teen comedy. 3 Star movies are quite good, and actually include a lot which people consider to be their favorites. All those wonderful "Guilty Pleasure" movies typically fall in the 3 point range as well.
 2 Stars
We have now crossed the threshold. 2 Star movies are ones I basically don't feel are worth seeing or are so incredibly predictable, calculated or completely ordinary I find my eyes rolling out of their sockets. It is also what a typical slasher movie can only aspire to, the 2003 remake of Texas Chainsaw Massacre being a rare exception, as well as a few others. A remarkable number of Best Picture Oscar winners fall in the 2 star range, if not even lower. This includes movies such as Forrest Gump, Gladiator and Crash. I never claimed my opinions were popular. Just to be fair, some of my favorites, such as Ordinary People, have also won Best Picture or at least been nominated.
 1 Star
Can we say, so completely, thoroughly awful, I don't know how anyone could find any reason to watch these movies. I actually don't see many movies in the 1 star range since they usually broadcast their awfulness in some way, such as the line "Starring Rob Schneider". This is the land of American Crime, White Boy (aka: Menace) and others so poorly done, a marginally trained monkey should be expected to do better.
The "Craptastic" Ratings
One of the great joys of movies is finding ones which are so bad, they are good. This is where the craptastic ratings come in, which are awarded kernels (of popcorn) instead of stars. The craptastic ratings rate from 1-3 kernels, which pretty much equates to the 3-5 star range in the regular ratings. This is because for any movie to rate as "so bad it is good" has to get at least a "3". Anything less than a 3 (as in 1 kernel of badness) means it is just bad. Get it? So, actually, a 3 kernel movie is "worse" than a one kernel movie, but in a way that makes more craptastic fun then a 1 kernel movie. Stay with me.
 1 Kernel
Marginally crappy. Poorly made, but not so incredibly crappy that they are outrageous fun. However, with a sufficient amount of alcohol, or just good company, can provide a sufficiently good time. 1 kernel movies tend to border on decent, but tread the line of true garbage, with enough weird fun (or completely gratuitous nudity) to make for an amusing evening.
 2 Kernel
Were getting into some truly satisfying garbage now. Bad writing that can get you rolling on the floor. We're not talking the ordinary "bad" like practically anything starring Will Farrell, but ignorant or downright campy trash. Think Killer Clowns from Outer Space. As always, some gratuitous gore and nudity is always a plus.
 3 Kernel
These movies are almost too weirdly bad (in a good way) to believe. This is the land of of Bloody Mallory and Uwe Boll's BloodRayne. Any movie with Michael Madsen and Michelle Rodriguez starring as Midieval warriors, Kristanna Loken playing a half vampire in (and out of) tight leather garb, Udo Kier as a monk, Ben Kingsley(!) as a transgendered duke and Meatloaf as royalty is solidly 3 kernel craptastic. Mix up a huge batch of margaritas and have a good laugh.
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Movie Ratings
